Chapter 11: He’s guilty
And he’s fucking dead.
Coroner 1: Based on the soil on his shoes, he either lived in Ohio or Michigan. Possibly Pennsylvania or Texas too, but that’s a lower likelihood.
Detective 1: We do have some evidence to support those conclusions.
Detective 2: There is also a theory that he’s from Oklahoma.
Detective 3: Hmmm...the tribal boys rapist theory.
Detective 2: In other words...we think this is the first white boy he raped.
Coroner 2: That would make a disturbing amount of sense.
Coroner 1: And also explain how he was getting away with it.
Detective 1: If only the goddman politicans had the balls to change the fucking laws we could resolve this a lot better.
Enter Vladimir...he is smiling wryly.
Vladimir: I heard you have problem? And need some assistance yes?
Detective 2: What took you so long?
Vladimir: Traffic was bitch. What can I say?
Scared Girl 1: Are you talking about Jamie Linger Pearson?
Vladimir: Who is that?
Scared Girl 1: A Swedish girl who wants to destroy the Sex Traffickers.
Scared Girl 2: No, I think she wants to save the Environment.
Scared Girl 3: No, that’s Greta Thunberg. We’ve covered that with you before.
Vladimir: You Americans are...interesting.
Tucson Stalker Girl 2 enters.
Tucson Stalker Girl 2: It’s actually the Plot for Prescott Stalker Girl 1.
Detective: I dont want to think about that right now.
Trauma Therapist 1: I don’t mean to be rude...but generally it’s best not to talk about dating in situations like this…
Jason Lee: Be fair...there literally is someone for everyone. Now, could someone fix my stab wound from when one of my female stalkers got upset that I wouldn’t date her and stabbed me with a Skateboard tool?
Detective 3: What’s a skateboard tool?
Jason Lee: Fucking BOOMERS.
Sean Bonnette Enters. He is wearing a shirt that reads: “Northern Arizona Shelter Services”.
Sean Bonnette: I understand BOTH Skateboarding and Social Work. I’ll handle things from here.
Jason Lee: Thank god, I’m getting a little old to be in this movie anyways.
Sean Bonnette: Right, we know. You would rather be…
Jason Lee: SKATING. And you’d rather be…
Sean Bonnette: We won’t go there again.
Jason Lee: Oh no?
Jason Lee takes out the SKATEBOARD OF POWER
Stan Lee’s Former Assistant enters.
Stan Lee’s Former Assistant: Mmmmkay. I think we’re getting off topic again.
Feminist Woman 19: Yeah I think so.
Stan Lee’s Former Assistant: Ok you guys give me the skateboard.
Sean Bonnette: Fuck you Boomer.
Stan Lee’s Former Assistant: GIVE ME THE GODDAMN SKATEBOARD YOU LITTLE IDIOT SOCIAL WORKER!!!!
Feminist Girl 12: But on the real though...we need to move onto something else.
Random fan that snuck onto the set: Yeah I’ve been watching all of you and I would agree with that.
Enter Brandyn Prust as himself
Brandyn Prust: My East Coast friends told me there was a party here!
Hot Woman 1: Hey dude...it’s been awhile…
Brandyn Prust: Not now...that can wait for later.
Hot Woman 2: Bran…..
Hot Woman 3: BRANDONG!!!!!
POOOF! Brandyn Prust Magically turns into Freddy Krueger. EXCEPT HE IS THE ANTI-FRED KRUEGER. HE’S HERE TO DESTROY THE SEX TRAFFICKERS AND GET SOME PUSSY!
Brandong: Actually I already got a ton of Pussy on the East Coast before I got here, so all of you can just chill the fuck out!
Brandong is actually a MALE MODEL. HIS ASSISTANTS ARRIVE AND DRESS HIM IN LITERALLY THE COOLEST AND MOST FASHIONABLE OUTFIT IN THE USA THAT YOU CAN IMAGINE.
Brandong: WELCOME TO THE PARTY BASIC BITCHES!!!!
And the Crowd goes wild...everyone is unifying all at once...even the Anarchists! Well..maybe.
Brandong: So, I heard that there is a Princess without a Pony….ya feel me?
British Socialite 1 enters and puts her purse down.
British Sociliate 1: I GAVE YOU AN AMAZING DEAL IN THE 90S AND NOW YOU HAVE TO FUCK IT UP!
Brandong: But it was a bad deal in the 80s...am I right?
British Socialite 1: How did YOU know about that?!??
Brandong: Ummm maybe because I was inside you?
British Socialite 1: Oh I see, we’re using symbolism. You’re talking about my Bi-Sexuality.
Brandong: No, not really, and not everything is about you Ghiselle.
Ghislaine Maxwell: My name is GHISLAINE YOU UNGRATEFUL TEXAS WRETCH!
Brandong (Turns to audience and his Freddy Krueger claws magically appear): SHE’S GONNA GET IT AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IT YET.
Ghislaine Maxwell: YOU sound like a date rapist!
Brandong: And you ARE something much worse.
All of a sudden out of nowhere….Brandong and Ghislaine Maxwell warp to Dakota Valley High School in North Sioux City, South Dakota.
Brandong: What’s a matter...BITCH?!?! A little out of your ELEMENT??!?!
Ghislaine: Yeah, I used to skateboard in the 80s too.
Brandong: I think you mean...STOLE THE SKATEBOARDS OF THE LITTLE BOYS YOU RAPED.
Ghislaine: Ummm...well….that’s debatable.
Out of Nowhere they are in a high school hallway. At first glance the lockers are all open. But suddenly they all slam shut. And then combination locks appear and lock every single one of the lockers. Every single locker has a different combination. The Combination is the last 4 digits of the social security number of every single death that Ghislaine Maxwell is responsible for.
Freddy Krueger: REMEMBER ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ghislaine Maxwell: Oh fuckkkkkkkkkkkk.
Freddy Krueger: and now you have to guess the codes of thousands of dead kids if you want to live.
Ghislaine Maxwell is terrified: And what if I dont want to live?
Trauma Therapist Freddy Krueger appears
Trauma Therapist Freddy Krueger: I’m sorry Ma’am but then we would have to take you to a Federal Mental Institution and hold you in solitary confinement for the rest of your life. Which would be approximately 2 Minutes and 35 seconds.
Ghislaine Maxwell: And why would that be?
Trauma Therapist Freddy Krueger: Well 96 doctors around the world have signed Affidavits that you are CRIMINALLY MENTALLY ILL AND CRIMINALLY INSANE.
Ghislaine Maxwell: I’ve fucked 96 people to get out of Prison before...AND I CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!!!
Social Worker Freddy Krueger Appears
Social Worker Freddy Kruger: It was actually more than that.
Ghislaine Maxwell: Ok dude, you’re not helping my case.
Camp Crystal Lake Freddy Krueger Appears
Camp Crystal Lake Freddy Krueger: Oh I can help you with….
FBI and CIA FREDDY KRUEGER APPEARS. He has an FBI Tattoo on his left leg. And a CIA tattoo on his Right Leg. And a DEADGUY Tattoo on his left shoulder. But he’s wearing super-hip clothes and Ghislaine Maxwell can’t see them.
FBI and CIA Freddy Krueger: Your case, my dear!
Ghislaine Maxwell: Oh finally, a Gentleman who understands my British and French sensibilities!
FBI and CIA Freddy Krueger: And I’ve been looking forward to working behind you!
Ghislaine Maxwell: Behind me? I DON’T LIKE ANAL! Sex should be magical, it should be compassionate and they are supposed to…
FBI Krueger: Supposed to what?
Meanwhile CIA Freddy Krueger appears from behind her…
CIA Krueger: Not have sex with her! Especially if they are from French Guiana!
Suddenly an Angry Man wearing a Navy Blue Janitor uniform walks into the scene. He mysteriously appeared from inside one of the lockers.
He has FBI written on the back leg of his Janitor Uniform and CIA written on the right leg.
On the left arm it is blank and on the right is written RIC.
Janitor Krueger: The feminists told me we had a SITUATION that needed to be CLEANED UP!
Ghislaine Maxwell: But I am a Feminist you American Trash!
Janitor Krueger suddenly blasts up and out of his Janitor Uniform.
Janitor Krueger: Not American TRASH...but American PSYCHO!
A Red Hooded figure enters. Everyone else gasps and Krueger disappears.
The Crimson Ghost: NEVER GONNA GET ME I’m THE CRIMSON GHOST!!!!
South Park Fan from the Denmark Troll Episode enters.
South Park Fan: Yeah we know that Skankhunt...but what about the Trolls...how do we get them?
The Crimson Ghost (Blankly Stares): Aren’t you a Troll yourself?
South Park Fan: I thought we agreed not to talk about that…
South Park Fan gets sucked up by a UFO-like computer in the sky and disappears.
The Crimson Ghost: So Ghislaine...just one question? Was Daisy Ridley a victim or an accomplice in your 80s and/or 90s Carribean Sex Trafficking?
Ghislaine Maxwell: Who is that again?
Crimson Ghost: Rey from Star Wars.
Ghislaine Maxwell: Oh I’m sorry...in fact SO SORRY...did I destroy your future girlfriend in the 90s, love?
Crimson Ghost: I don’t feel any love here.
Jaimacan Communist 1 Enters.
Jaimacan Communist 1: I don’t either, mon.
Crimson Ghost: Ah ha!
The Original and Worst enters. She has a Tattoo that literally says “The Original and Worst” on her inner right arm.
The Original and Worst: Just for the record Chris started seriously writing about me when he saw me at the Library in Berkeley after he took his Planning and Zoning placement test for the City of Berkeley in 2016.
Chris Cranny enters as himself:
Chris Cranny: We actually go way back.
The Original and Worst: We do.
The Original and Worst: Anyways, didn’t we all agree that an ACTUAL feminist would take Ghislaine down?
The Crimson Ghost: Oh yeah that’s right we did.
Chris Cranny leaves. End Scene.
Cue sound of someone writing on a typewriter. The screen briefly fades black.
Chapter 12: not convicted on a technicality
Scene begins with ASU Attorneys discussing a hacked account from the year 2003.
Attorney: I understand, yes but the real problem is that someone at ASU hacked into his email and stole this script or worse may have deleted it circa Fall 2003.
Judge: And how do you know that?
Attorney: One of our tech people has both video and IP addresses.
Judge spends hours reviewing all the evidence. He comes out crying.
Trauma Therapist 1: I told them this was going to be really disturbing.
Judge: So these losers have been stalking and trying to kill a 23-year old College Kid for decades and most of their reasons are because he wouldn’t date their daughter or their son or like their cousin? Or Because he presumably doesn’t like dogs?
Attorney: That’s correct your honor.
Judge: Judgment for the Plaintiff. And for the record I am forwarding the entire case to the FBI for Criminal Prosecution as well.
Attorney: I sure hope so.
Judge: And keep in mind, all I can do is forward it to them and suggest there is extreme criminal activity going on and that they review it. The ball is in their court from then on.
Attorney: Understood. I will inform my client.
The Next week in Washington D.C.
Federal Judge: So his idiot parents forced him to be like a kid’s clothing model and an FBI informant since 1984?
FBI Attorney 1: That’s correct your honor.
Federal Judge: Well that would actually be a sign he is in a position of power over pretty much everyone at this point.
FBI Attorney 2: OBJECTION! RELEVANCE!
Federal Judge: I’m sorry but I have to deny the motion for Summary Judgment. There is too much confidential stuff that you can’t prove.
CIA guy with an Eye Patch in the corner is looking at the Judge and is REALLY ANGRY.
Federal Judge: I am going to read the Jury’s verdict now. NOT GUILTY, with prejudice. The case is dismissed.
The whole courtroom is furious and leaves.
Chapter 13: The people (and workers) are angry
Scene begins with the Media all over the world discussing the case.
Russian Newscaster: Not that the USA wasn’t confusing before...but now apparently a Federal Judge is saying that their country is OK with Sex Trafficking?
Chinese Newscaster: Apparently Sex Sells in America.
British Newscaster: And now apparently you can sell people for Sex in the USA. That’s what they get for not speaking the Queen’s English.
Irish Newscaster: Who cares about the Queen Mate? Let’s just all thank god that we don’t live in the goddamn USA!
French Newscaster: And in other news we already have evidence that the British were involved in a Sex Trafficking Ring with some Corporate American Fat Cats and Higher-level Government Employees, Politicans, etc.
Hot Blond French Girl enters.
Hot Blond French Girl (laughing): Everyone always forgets about us. It is what it is, I suppose.
Irish Dude 1 enters:
Irish Dude 1: Let’s move to Brittany and leave all this behind us.
Hot Blond French Girl: But how?
Irish Dude 1: We will steal a British Frigate!
Hot Blond French Girl: And what is that exactly?
Irish Dude 1: The most powerful first-strike ship that the 19th Century British Navy had!
A Pirate Crew Enters...they are all dressed like Freddy Krueger….except PIRATE SYLE!
Johnny Depp Fred Krueger: 15 Men on a Dead Man’s ACTUAL CHEST...yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
Irish Dude 2: Drink and the DEVIL ARE ALMOST DONE!
Irish Dude 3: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
Icelandic Dude 1: And the True Metal pirates are standing with all of you!!!!
Irish Dude 3: Oh yeahhhhhhh!
Dude with headset mic comes swinging into the scene.
Irish Dude 1: Oh, this isn’t actually a boy band thing this time.
Dude with headset mic: Dammit...ok well we’ll meet up in Barcelona next year and we’ll talk about it!
Meanwhile back in the USA, Icelyn Rogers Cook is secretly watching everyone and masturbating.
Icelyn: Paige was right...this is HOT. I’m so glad we manipulated them into…
Paige: Fighting over us?
Them and their boyfriends/husbands/whatever are laughing at everyone.
Randall from Clerks enters.
Randall: People would fight over you?
Hockey Dude 1: These are literally the end times.
An angry crowd of people enters.
Protester 1: And now we march on the White House!
Protester 2: We want justice and we want it now!
Protester 3: WE want the SEX TRAFFICKING TO STOP!
Protester 4: And especially we want the Government to stop letting these foreigners into our country and letting them get away with it!
Protester 5: Exactly! That’s how they are getting away with it!
Hot Goth Girl 1: I would rather be at Goth Night, but Ok.
Disinterested Communist 1: Yeah, I mean let’s get real...this is an election year.
Media Person in Training 1: Yeah you fill in the blank...6.2%.
Beck: Gin and Tonic with the real quinine, mate.
Trader Joe’s Julia: He means the Trader Joe’s brand.
Detective 1: So, all you protestors please remember to follow proper Quarantine procedures!
Protester 1: When?
Detective 2: When this is all over!
Hells Angel Protestor 1: Oh yeah it will be over soon! I promise you that!
Hells Angel Extremist: And in more ways than one!
Sex Worker 1: And now I’m really pissed off!
Sex Worker 2: I Honestly didn’t know it was going on.
Sex Worker 3: Me either.
Sex Worker 4: Remember Boys and Girls: Sex Work is different from Sex Trafficking.
Doctor 1: It could even be requested to cope with Trauma.
Skater Dude 1: What? Like A Doctor using some dude’s hand as a Dildo to masturbate a woman?
Sex Worker 3: Yeah something like that. Except I think that like 3 Doctors have to give consent for a medical masturbation hand to prevent….errrr...something or other.
End Chapter 13
Chapter 14: Literally everyone is Angry
Dude with Casual Pint shirt 1 enters. He’s tall and really cool.
Dude with Casual Pint Shirt 1: Why am I here again?
Blue Bear enters.
Blue Bear: Because ALES FROM THE CRYPT IS A RAD FUCKING BEER.
Dude with Casual Pint Shirt 1: Oh...ohhh...I know what this is. I’m going to be in the back just washing dishes.
FREDDY KRUEGER WEARING A TALES FROM THE CRYPT JANITOR UNIFORM ENTERS.
Tales from the Crypt Freddy: NOW NOT EVEN ICELYN AND PAGE CAN STOP ME NOW!
Real Corey Harrison: Yeah dude, fuck the feminists and the racists!
Tales from the Crypt Freddy: Viva Horrorista! Viva Horrorista! The Script is now in exista...now in exista!
Enter Tales from the Crypt Brandong
Tales from the Crypt Brandong: You are the party that rocks my hot body...let’s get drunk...let’s GET NAUGHTY!
Quiet Feminist 1 enters.
Quiet Feminist 1: So yeah...are these Male Sex Workers?
Tales from the Crypt Freddy: Well we were in the 80s but we stopped.
Tales from the Crypt Brandong: Alright...alright he was in the 90s too.
Detective 1: Anywho….now that we’ve covered that (again). Let’s stick to the task at hand.
Enter Social Worker in Training, who is actually secretly just a random detective who just investigates Sex Traffickers to Destroy them on behalf of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.
Social Worker in Training: I think we’re getting off topic. It’s not necessary to talk about our former lives at this point…
Real Corey Harrison: Exactly...we want to go for the GOLD AND SILVER!
Chumlee: Yeah dude...the LAS VEGAS GOLD AND SILVER.
Bored Dude 1 enters and sits on chair.
Bored Dude 1: You mean Sammy?
Corey and Chumlee: Huh?!?!
Bored Dude 2: That Mafia dude?
Corey: Yeah dude, sorry I’m not really into that stuff.
Blond Brianna 2: You WOULD be if you were cool!
Real Chris Cranny enters.
Real Chris Cranny: Hey do you guys mind if I just like stare at Blond Brianna 2 for awhile and then….
Tucson Medical Woman 2: Go in the back and masturbate?
Real Chris Cranny: Oh wow...however did you guess?
Tucson Medical Woman 1: Alyson is not blowing you again!!!!
Real Chris Cranny (horrified): When did she blow me the first time?
Tucson Medical Woman 2: In the Parking lot at the Gem Show in Tucson.
Real Chris Cranny: That obviously did not happen!
The Original and Worst: Well...there’s been some debate about that and the Feminists can’t speak to that right now.
Aubrey Plaza enters scene.
Aubrey Plaza: I just want to say that Rape is Rape...regardless of Gender. This has been an official Aubrey Plaza Communique. And the only one you will ever get in this movie!
Scene ends. It was basically an activist commercial.
Dude in Primus Sucks shirt enters.
Dude with Primus Shirt: Where are my fellow Primus Fan Boys at?
Dude 1: JERRY WAS A RACE CAR DRIVER!
Dude 2: Drove so GODDAMN fast!
Dude 3: Never did win no checkered flag…
Girl in Corvette Shirt 1: But he sure did never come in last!
Woman in Corvette Shirt 2: That Primus album is fucking gold, man!
Girl in Corvette Shirt 3: For real it’s my favorite.
Dude Eating Healthy Nachos with Organic Cheese: Steps out of Convenience store...I’ll say!
Social Worker in Training 2: You know it doesn’t matter who Chuck W Bandacat and “And is a Cat” are anymore right?
Everyone pauses. IT DOESN’T?!?!?
Social Worker in Training 2: No, it doesn’t and we’re here to prevent.
Hot Hells Angel Woman: WHY?!>!>!>! Why can’t I get laid any? Is it because I bought a Harley Davidson this year? IS THAT BRAND OUT NOW?!?!
Biker Dude 1: Now just calm down and tell us what the problem is.
Hot Hells Angel Woman: My Ex is cheating with a foreigner….I KNOW IT!
Random Guy from East Germany walks in.
Random Guy From East German: Gutten…
Hot Hells Angel Woman grabs him and starts kissing his neck
Enter Male and Female Freddy Kruegger.
Male Freddy Kruegger: We need to use Feminism to destroy them!
Female Freddy Kruegger: No we need to use Anarchy to destroy them!
Anti-Anarchist but Pro-Feminist Fred Krueger: I was always confused at this point
Anarcha-Feminist Fred Krueger: NOT ANYMORE BITCH!
They high five each other.
Meanwhile the Sky darkens...and begins emanating an eerie greenish glow.
End Chapter 14.
Chapter 15: Confusion
Scene begins with Les Claypool talking to a fan.
Les Claypool: Anyways, yeah Metallica doesn’t have to apologize to me anymore, I literally don’t care.
Fan: But they rejected you from the band for being too good when you auditioned.
Les Claypool: And?
Fan: Ok, well but aren’t you at least a little like bitter or jealous or something?
Les Claypool: No.
Fan: Wel..but this is...WHAT ABOUT METAL! THE TRUE FUCKING METAL!
Les Claypool: I don’t care...I just wanted to do my own thing anyways. Hence why I formed Primus.
Fan: But...but but?
Primus Band Member 1: Alright, dude...Les has already explained this to TONS OF FANS on the internet...like hundreds of times.
Primus Band Member 2: Yeah and who are you anyways.
Freddy Kruegger pretending to be Primus Fan: I’M A BIG METAL FAN AND THAT’S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW!
Primus Band Member 2: Jesus Christ...not another obsessive Metallica Fan Boy who misunderstood everything!
An eerie green mist circles around Freddy and transforms him into Freddy Krueger dressed as a Janitor.
Janitor Freddy Kruegger: Did you miss me, Les?
The scene swirls around in a 60s-style panorama of hippy stuff.
Les: Oh fuck...the creepy guy from 5th grade.
Janitor Freddy Kruegger: I never got a chance to play with you properly!
Janitor Freddy Kruegger takes his pants off and runs around Woodstock chasing Les with his dick out.
Suddenly a Tri-Level Mansion from Hollywood Hills appears out of nowhere and lands in the field.
Big Bad Wolf Hells Angel 1: We heard you have a PROBLEM that needs solving.
Janitor Freddy Kruegger: Oh fuckkkkkkkkkkk.
Big Bad Wolf Hells Angel 2: Just be careful...remember what he did to us last time.
Big Bad Wolf Hells Angel 3: Oh that won’t happen this time.
Janitor Freddy Kruegger: You’re all right...THERE WON’T BE A THIS TIME!
Creepy Blue Mist Circles around him this time.
It is the 1950s again and a motorcycle gang is sitting around bored.
Hells Angel Founder 1: Well we are back from WW2 in one piece...so there’s that.
Hells Angel Founder 2: I don’t know about you guys but I’m excited to ride my bike and bang some ladies!
Hells Angel Founder 3: Me too, man! Me too!
Enter Johnny. He is twirling around a little girl on his shoulders. It is up north somewhere, possibly Eastern Wisconsin.
Hells Angel Founder 1: Excuse me sir, but is that your child?
Johnny: Does it matter whose child it is? She’s happy, ain’t she.
Hells Angel Founder 2: That’s not the point we’re making…
Johnny: Well then what point are you making? Mr. Biker dude...you’re not so bad-ass!
Hells Angel Founder 3: We know what you are doing to these children and where you live!
Johnny (horrified): Ummm….oh fuck.
Hells Angel Founder 1: Yeah, we know about the little boy too.
Johnny: Look fellas...it wasn’t my fault...they were street kids wandering around. Initially it started because I wanted to protect them from the cold.
Hells Angel Founder 1: So it was the child’s fault that you had sex with them?
Hells Angel Founder 2: You’re doomed Johnny, just admit it.
Johnny: There’s gotta be some way I can get out of this.
Hells Angel Founder 3: We’ve already notified the military that you will run to them and use them to hide you.
Hells Angel Founder 2: All of the goddamn military branches too, dude.
Johnny: Oh fu…..you wouldn’t dare do that would you?
Hells Angel Founder 1: And our friends inside the cafe are videotaping you as we speak.
Police Officer 1 enters.
Police Officer 1: Hey fellas, what’s up? We got a report that there is a criminal harassing you.
Hells Angel Founder 3: He’s right there officer (points at Johnny).
Johnny. I’m not a criminal.
Police Officer 2: This is the 2nd time now we have had a complaint from a community member concerned about you and these children. Are they your kids?
Johnny: No...but...I was just protecting them…
Police Officer 1: From what?
Hells Angels: He earlier told us that it was from the cold and snow and whatnot.
Johnny: Oh yeah, that’s right. I was sheltering them from the cold. And one night, one of them tripped and fell onto my crotch.
Hells Angel: And then he somehow shot a “crotch rocket” into the child’s mouth.
Johnny: This crotch rocket…
Police Officer 1: Ok, let’s go ahead and arrest him, we have probable cause.
Police Officer 2: You got it boss.
Hells Angel Founder 1: Have fun in Prison, moron.
Johnny: Well I’m already in the Military so it will have to be a Military Prison.
Police Officer 1: Let’s go Johnny.
Police Officer 2 tosses him into the back of the police car.
Later that evening at the Police Station.
Girl that Johnny Kidnapped 1: Why are you being mean to my dad.
Boy that Johnny Kidnapped 2: Yeah, don’t be mean to OUR DAD!
Police Officer 1: That man is not your Dad, he’s a MONSTER.
Police Officer 2: He’s being detained while we figure out what to do.
Detective 1 and Detective 2 enter the Interrogation Room in the back.
Detective 1: Listen Fella, we’ve had a DRAGNET on you all year.
Detective 2: We watched you kidnapped these kids and then groom them for a year before you molested them.
Johnny: Look guys...it was an accident. Nothing happened for the first year and then one night one of them slipped and fell on my crotch while i was naked and I came in their mouth.
Detective 1: Sure buddy, that’s what they all say.
Detective 2: Our Sex-Crime lab is in it’s experimental stages, but we will need you to come in this cup.
Meanwhile Female Detective 1 is hiding near the kids and secretly pulls the curtain back just enough so that they can see Johnny furiously masturbating into a cup.
Girl: Hey I thought he said he was only going to do that with us!
Boy: Yeah, it’s not fair...I thought we were so special to him that he only wanted to pleasure us with his body.
Female Detective 1: Does he touch you with his penis and that weird smelling white stuff comes out.
Girl: Yeah. In that (points to crotch) area.
Boy: Yeah he does that to me all over.
Female Detective: Ok, we just need you both to write a statement and sign it.
Girl: Writes statement and witness notarizes it as a sworn statement.
Boy: Writes statement witness notarizes it as a sworn statement.
Detective’s Forensic Assistant enters. She is really hot and is wearing a Sonoran Prevention Works shirt.
Blond Sonoran Prevention Works Girl 1: This is awesome. Now that we have this these statements and my research we hold a community forum of not just Law Enforcement, but the entire community can see what is going on here.
Detective 1: Not so fast ma’am, our attorneys would have to review the legality of all that first.
Blond Sonoran Prevention Works Girl 1: Well at least we tried.
Detective 2: Let’s keep working together though. We like your style.
Meanwhile back in the Interrogation room with Johnny.
Detective 3 enters.
Detective 3: Well Johnny, we have Affidavits from all of your neighbors, at least 5 different Police Officers, two respected community members. Photographs, Tape Recordings.
Johnny: Yeah but tape recordings...I mean...you know how those can be.
Detective 4 enters. It is Detective Brandyn.
Detective Brandyn: And the tapes are Tascam...quality stuff man. We used them to record conversations in Vietnam.
Johnny: Well if I do join the Military you guys are not sending me to Vietnam or Central America.
Detective Brandyn: Oh no worries there, you wouldn’t pass our selection process anyways.
24 hours pass.
Female Detective: Ok, so basically we are going to detain you for 6 months to a year while we figure this out.
Johnny: Fuckkkkkk that!
A creepy White mist suddenly appears in the room. It is poison gas. The Female Detective puts on her gas mask, leaves the room and locks the door.
Johnny drops to the ground and is writhing in pain and screaming. His face is all twisted.
Suddenly there is an electrical shortage and some sparks fly and start his detainment holding room on fire. Now there is both poison gas and fire.
Female Detective: Well this one’s not by the books but if it will save more kids from being raped by this guy then the means justify the ends.
Suddenly the power goes out to the whole building.
Mass chaos ensues.
People are screaming and crying. A reporter from outside gets confused and tries to rescue the Female Detective by taking some industrial equipment like a bulldozer or something and he comes crashing into the detainment room.
Johnny sneaks past him and escapes into the cold.
Johnny hides in the snow-covered wilderness surrounding them for two days. After the chaos dies down a bit he sneaks back into his house through the backyard.
Inside he has a motorcycle and a HELLS ANGEL COSTUME. He clearly pre-meditated this.
He has a friend who just escaped from a Mental Institution inside the house. His friend Puts on a Hockey Mask and both of them Jump on the Back of Johnny’s motorcycle.
After a couple days they wind up in Ohio.
They go to a Military recruiters office in Ohio.
Johnny: And so that’s why I want to join the Navy.
Navy Recruiter: Well your test game back and you tested positive for Hydrogen Cyanide usage in the past week. Do you ever experiment with Poisons or Toxins for fun?
Johnny: Not for fun, no.
Navy Recruiter: So, how were you exposed to this?
Johnny: It was against my will sir.
Navy Recruiter: Where did this happen to you?
Johnny: I don’t remember.
Navy Recruiter notates that Johnny has already been exposed to an experiment, likely conducted by the military.
Navy Recruiter: Now I know that they did to you was painful...but do you feel neutralized sexually...as in you are not craving sex anymore and just want to be free and serve our country?
Johnny: Yeah, that’s pretty much how I feel.
Scene ends. Screen fades with laughter from Freddy Krueger in the background.
And now back to the 60s again.
The festival has ended and almost everyone has left except for a few diehard music fans.
Meanwhile Back to Les Claypool and Janitor Freddy Krueger.
Les Claypool turns to face Freddy Krueger and they brace themselves for a face off.
Suddenly, Les Claypool’s Navy Blue Janitor uniform magically upgrades itself. It now says Colonel Claypool’s Frog Brigade.
Janitor Freddy Krueger: What’s this stupid frog brigade?
Les Claypool: It’s like a million frogs falling from the sky to destroy the sex traffickers!
Janitor Freddy Krueger: YEAH RIGHT...LIKE THAT’LL HAPPEN!
Enter the FROG BRIGADE. They are thousands of Missing Children who just got off a submarine on the shore of Lake Erie, They are marching and humming some metal music hymns such as from the band MANOWAR, etc.
Frog Brigade: There’s Freddy Krueger! Get him!
Freddy Kruegger starts running away from them.
A bunch of FBI Agents with specially trained CATS enters.
A 2nd FBI Team consisting of specially trained DOGS enters.
FBI Cat Leader 1: This is CAT LEADER 1 standing by.
FBI Dog Leader 1: This is DOG LEADER 1 standing by.
Suddenly a bunch of TRUE METAL FANS enters. They also have two teams. One is Cats and the other is Dogs.
True Metal Cat Leader: The True Metal Cats are at your command!
True Metal Dog Leader: And so are the True Metal Dogs!
Cue Music Video cut scene.
Catowar, Catowar….living on the land...ONLY THE TRUE METAL CATS...THAT’S OUR SCENE!
Enter CATS ON CATNIP PEOPLE. They have all of the Smudge Cat Meme shirts on.
This is a scene where you will want to go to Cats on Catnip Facebook Page and search the internet for memes you like or maybe even create some.
Writer’s Note for Directors, Cast Members, et. al.
Cat Meme Person 1: Hey Freddy Krueger you can’t stop us all!
Cat Meme Person 2: Not even if you tried!
Freddy Krueger: Maybe I’m not trying...I’m crying!
Freddy crouches down, hiding his face. He starts crying.
Freddy Krueger: I was abused myself...just don’t touch me right now….
He continues sobbing. In the background weird mist is swirling again.
Abused Freddy Krueger mysteriously appears.
Abused Freddy Krueger: And now I’m in your head ya bleeding heart animal lovers!
Dog Lover 1: Your Nightmares and Dreams won’t work on me!
Cat Lover 2: Or me Either!
Dog Lover 1: Takes off all her clothes and underneath she is a NINJA!
Cat Lover 2: Takes off all his clothes and underneath he is a NINJA!
Cue Shinobi Arcade Game Music. And Enter some Random Asian Dude.
Random Asian Dude 1: Starts playing Shinobi Arcade Game!
Freddy Krueger: NO FAIR! You can’t use the future to destroy the past!
Cat Ninja 1: Anything is fair in the war against the Sex Traffickers!
Suddenly All of the Ninjas from the Shinobi video game come alive and jump out of the Screen.
The Ninjas have a HUGE BOSS BATTLE with Freddy Krueger as the BOSS.
Freddy Krueger is defeated and vanishes.
Credits Roll and AFTER The Credits End, this is the Secret Scene that foreshadows the next movie, which will be a REMAKE of the Original.
Real Brian Harrison from PAWN STARS enters and Him and Chumlee are playing a videogame entitled: “The Police Vs. The People”.
Ryan Young from the band OFF WITH THEIR HEADS enters and him and one of his band members are playing a videogame entitled: “The People vs. The Police.”.
End Prequel Movie