Chapter 1: A young boy in the Soviet Union wins an International Statistics Championship
Opening Scene: Decade: 60s or 70s. An Apartment in Moscow near the Kremlin. A Soviet family is watching the state-run news network on TV. They are eating borscht for dinner with sauteed Russian vegetables, Russian Whole Grain Bread and drinking Russian Beer.
Newscaster (with a bored voice): And in other news Soviet premier (Insert name here), has announced the winner of last year’s International Youth Statistics competition. The competition was started to foster goodwill, comradeship, diplomacy and of course to further the advancement of statistics knowledge. The nine countries who elected to participate are now finally prepared to announce the winner. The winner is Vladimir Silayev, age 9 and he lives in Moscow.
Soviet family (speaking in Russian with Subtitles): That’s our son! We are so excited! So, so, so….very excited! (Whole family breaks out in Russian Folk Dance and begins chanting Soviet National Anthem).
Newscaster: We are further excited to announce that the winner will be sent to the United States of America!
Soviet family: (visibly disappointed). (Discusses amongst themselves). Well I suppose that would be ok as long as the Americans do not attempt to use Capitalist Propaganda to influence him to become a Capitalist.
Soviet Family: (Yells at Vladimir in back room). Vladimir come out to Living Room now! You won!
Vladimir: (Entering Living Room). I won??!? You mean I own the Brooklyn Yankees or that factory in Cleveland now????
Soviet Family: (Yells at Vladimir). WHAT???!!? You entered a USA Captalist Contest without our knowledge?!?! Tomorrow we are going to the Kremlin immediately and we are going to have much to discuss.
Vladimir: What? Oh, yeah nevermind I was watching an American baseball and got confused.
Soviet Family: How exactly were you watching an American baseball game?
Vladimir: The Statistics competition told me to.
Soviet Family (relaxing): Oh? It was part of the competition.
Vladimir: Yes, and furthermore, I can assure you I am a devout Communist and loyal to the Soviet Union!
Soviet Family: (All cheering at once). Entire family begins singing Soviet National Anthem.
Vladimir: I shall report to my superiors at the Kremlin tomorrow as instructed, and will be following their rules exactly.
Soviet Family: (In tears). We are so proud of you Vladimir, we know you will represent not just the Soviet Union but the International Communist movement to the best of your ability!
Vladimir: I will never let you down!
Later on that night, KGB Agent1 approaches the apartment and is sitting at a bench nearby drinking Organic Russian Wildgrown Mountain Tea (scientic name Sideritis spp.).
KGB Agent 1: (Muttering to himself). This is going to work out well for our team. The boy is a spy and doesn’t even know it yet. (Sips tea). Of course, I must stick to the immediate task at hand. I must find out if any of his family members suspects the real reason he is being sent to the USA.
KGB Agent 1: (Just sits there and calmly continues drinking tea).
Vladimir’s mother: (Exits house and leaves front door open). You there, on bench! You are KGB, yes?
KGB Agent 1: Smiling. Of course you know, I can neither confirm nor deny.
Vladimir’s Mother: Well our family would like you to escort our son to the Kremlin tomorrow.
KGB Agent 1: I am not authorized to escort anyone to the Kremlin.
Vladimir’s Mother: Come on! Our Son just won an International Statistics Competition! He even beat the Americans!
KGB Agent 1: (Big Smile) Well for that the Kremlin commends him! And still, I am not authorized to provide assistance for him to reach the Kremlin.
Vladimir’s Mother: (Crestfallen) How is he to get there then? Does the Soviet Union simply not care?!?
KGB Agent 1: Quite the contrary, if anything we care too much. We suggest that he walk there, it is good exercise and builds character.
Vladimir’s Mother: Oh, I understand now. Well I hope you enjoy the rest of your Mountain Tea.
KGB Agent 1: Goodnight, Ma’am.
(Vladimir’s Mother returns to the house through the open door and shuts it after her).
KGB Agent 1: (Gets up from bench and walks to his secretly designated secure location nearby. Activates wrist-watch walkie talkie). This is Agent 1, the Mother is on to us.
(KGB Agent 1: Casually steps back onto the street and is walking while finishing the rest of his tea). Dagestan really does produce the best wild honey.
END OF CHAPTER 1