Chapter 10: He’s out of Prison Now
Scene begins with MUSIC from the band HAMMERFALL. Their SONG entitled: “Crimson Thunder” starts playing.
Hammerfall Dude 1: Weird stuff in the USA is going on again isn’t it?
Hammerfall Dude 2: Ya brother, ya.
And now we zoom to the Los Angeles International Airport. Margaret and her daughter White Pirate Cat have just landed and are standing at the Luggage Carousel waiting for their luggage.
Weird Gypsy Woman: Gypsy means poke.
Margaret: Excuse me?
Weird Gypsy Woman starts running.
Margaret: We have finally made it my dear (looking at White Pirate Cat)!
Margaret: And now East LA is ours!!!! Muahahhahahaha…….hahahahhahahaha…...ahahahahha….MEOW!
White Pirate Cat: Flops over and starts frolicking in the airport. MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW.
Girl dressed as Mickey Mouse approaches.
Minnie Mouse: Excuse me?!?!? Who promised you East La?
Margaret: Walt Disney did in 1974.
Minnie Mouse: But it is 1974 right NOW.
Margaret: Oh I met him on my flight. He had one of his staff sign the deed over to me while in flight and now I own a gigantic piece of land in East Los Angeles.
Minnie Mouse: GIVE ME THE DEED YOU BIYATTTTCH!
Margaret: Bad Minnie, don’t call other women bitches.
Minnie Mouse: Yes ma’am.
Jason Lee enters as himself
Jason Lee (looks at Minnie Mouse): Shall I call you Logan, WEAPON X?
Minnie Mouse: Brody are you giving me the Ultimate Power again?
Jason Lee (High Fives) Minnie Mouse: Oh yeah girl! Woooo!
Minnie Mouse: Margaret, my friend Brody wants me to own this land.
Margaret: Oh really? Is that so Brody?
Jason Lee: It is so. And this time I brought a lifetime supply of my slightly worn underwear (both boxers and briefs) and I’ll even thrown in my skateboard from the skate championship that I just won.
Margaret: When did you win it?
Jason Lee: Earlier today in East LA.
Margaret: I’m not surprised...a handsome guy like you is a pro skater.
Jason Lee: Hey sometimes all it takes is a pair of Vans Shoes, a cool shirt, a nice ass and a firm dick.
Margaret: Ahahahhahahaha. Right you are!
Jason Lee: So yeah...I’ll trade all that stuff to you if you’ll sign a deed over to my friend Minnie Mouse here.
Margaret: Ok, but you have to sign the Skateboard and it has to be limited edition and it has to be the one you used to win the championship.
Jason Lee: It just so happens I have that Limited Edition Championship Board with me right now!
CUE music from the band CRUNK WITCH. The song called “Believe” comes on.
Enter the band CRUNK WITCH.
CRUNK WITCH performs the song “Believe” live on the set! Or in the LA Airport...whatever the band prefers.
Song finally ends after tons of random people cheering, dancing, etc.
Jason Lee: Here you Margaret.
Margaret: And here’s the deed to myself. And here’s another deed from myself to Minnie Mouse.
Jason Lee: Damn that’s hot!
Margaret: I thought as much
Jason Lee (motioning to Minnie Mouse): C’mon Minnie, let’s go to the Los Angeles County Recorder’s Office!
Minnie Mouse: Now this is ULTIMATE LA!
Meanwhile back in Ohio.
Vladimir: On whose authority was he released? Answer me now!
Prison Guard: I’m just a guard sir.
Vladimir: And I’m just a guard back in the Soviet Union.
Prison Guard: Interesting. Well maybe we can help each other out in a different way.
Vladimir: How so?
Prison Guard: Well, it’s complicated…
Vladimir: Wait...are you also part of the Union for Prison Guards?
Prison Guard: Yeah, exactly.
Vladimir: Well then let’s have a show right here in the yard!
Suddenly Music starts playing. It is the DJ/Musician MAALA and the Singer/Songwriter Don Brighter.
They both enter the stage and they announce: If any of you have been falsely imprisoned here come up and join us!
Blond Brianna 1: I was!
Both MAALA and Don Brighter look at her and laugh: You’re just here to bang hot prisoners and you know it…
Blond Brianna: Drops on the ground and starts laughing herself. She laughs so much that the whole prison becomes confused.
Suddenly the whole prison sees that she’s in distress and runs outside to the yard. EVERYONE! Even the nasty Warden who hates women runs outside too.
Warden is trying to talk over everyone else….she’s just a SLUT! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME! SHE SNUCK IN HERE ONE NIGHT LIKE 2 WEEKS AGO! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME! I’M NOT CRAZY!
All of the female prisoners suddenly turn and look at the Warden. They murmur to themselves that something’s not right.
Suddenly the Warden is stabbed from behind by a Hot Lesbian Woman, who SCREAMS at him: NO MORE SLUT SHAMING! AND NO MORE LGBTQ HATE!
Hot Hells Angel Dude 2: I was questioning...thank you so much for calling me out. I hated myself!
Hot Hells Angel Dude 3 (crying): I was too….I was too…..
Suddenly MAALA takes off his denim and underneath is an Orange Prison Shirt.
Strict Legal Feminist 1: Guards arrest this man! He’s actually a prisoner!
MAALA (ignoring her): TRUE HOUSE MUSIC IS WHAT’S IN YOUR HEART…
Cool Denim Guard 1 approaches and
(Chris Cranny as himself suddenly approaches) Wait...wasn’t I writing this same script at this same moment at Dakota Valley High School in 1996?
Kevin Smith (Or alternatively Doyle Massey his Computer Science teacher) answers from behind the stage: Yeah none of us were really supposed to be here...but that’s all in the 90s dude.
Chris Cranny: Ok...well I better at least get some Mallrats Memorabilia signed by every single cast member and a hot girlfriend or something.
Kevin Smith: You mean Paig…
Chris Cranny: No not yet...that’s at the end of the movie.
Hells Angel Dude 3: Excuse me but who invited the nerds?
Chris Cranny: You know I’m not really sure...and I thought I was sort of a Hells Angel anyways?
Hells Angel Woman 4: Oh wait...that’s right we did all agree on that in 1999.
Hells Angel Girl 3: Yeah he’s more of a like the bicycling version of that, remember?
Hells Angel Woman 4 (Bored): Mmmhmm. Oh that’s right. Anyways, well I hope you guys have fun shooting your little film.
Chris Cranny: Actually ma’am it’s a nationally recognized fran…
Hells Angel Woman: Right, I have friends like that too. Anyways, let me know when you finally decide to date my daughter again.
While everyone is arguing the wrong prisoner escapes. Like the worst one ever. Or maybe he/she/they is actually the RIGHT one. Who knows?
Cue another writer dude with a MEME-like sign that reads: BEGIN CROSS-PROMOTION scene now.
Vladimir: Well if that’s not obvious capita…
Attractive and Quiet Girl 1: Ahemmmm. Taps foot twice. Tap Tap. Vladimir….not now.
Enter Karen and Scarlett Jane Hedyt with huge laptops filled with Government websites and huge spreadsheets.
Karen: Team CAT is standing by and READY TO GO!
Scarlett: Team DOG is READY TO GO!
Hot Russian Woman 1: But How?!?!?!
Karen and Scarlett: Through a Multiple Cat and Dog Tag Team!
Enter the Visual Basic Bitches. They are waving flags and chanting: “Down with the Misogynists and Down with the Capitalists!”
Everyone Else: Well that escalated quickly.
Karen: Ok….so I guess it’s spreadsheet time again.
Scarlett: This is all that White Cat’s fault I know it.
Karen: Hey can someone else look at our spreadsheets. Honestly we need a fresh set of eyes and…
Scarlett: There’s kind of a lot of…
Hells Angel Woman 4: HOT DUDES TO STARE AT!
Lauren Karp (Facepalm): ANYWAYS…
Suddenly there is a weird green fog and a White Cat appears on top of the Prison Wall.
Concerned Nerd 1: And now a White Cat can just appear out of thin air and float around for no reason? This Charade has gone too far!
White Cat: Oh I beg to differ...in fact I don’t think it’s gone far enough.
Enter Actor or Actress who didn’t get cast in the Jigsaw movie.
A voice comes through over the Prison’s loudspeaker system: Tucson Medical Girls Stalker Clique Line 1.
Actor or Actress who didn’t make it into Jigsaw: I’m already inside Boss.
Jigsaw: So am I.
Everyone else begins to nervously look around. There is dead silence. Some are trembling. Some are hiding. Some are covering their ears.
Another 15-20 Prisoners start crawling through the grass on their stomachs or backs and escape while Jigsaw just sits there with a wry smile on his upper left lip.
Vampire Girl 1: OH FUCCCCCCCCCK. I Forgot that one of his teeth is metal and can release cyanide at will. RUNS AWAY SHRIEKING BACK INSIDE THE PRISON.
JIGSAW JUST STARES IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
SCARY MUSIC PLAYS AND THE SCENE ENDS.
WHOLE MOVIE SUDDENLY GOES DARK. THERE ARE RANDOM NOISES. NO ONE CAN TELL WHAT IS GOING ON.
LIGHTS COME BACK ON AND THE WHOLE PRISON IS DARK. THERE IS NO POWER TO IT. EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT IN THE PRISON IS SPARKING.
Bored Prisoner 1: Must be an election year again…
Bored Prisoner 2: Yup.
Bored Prisoner 1: Well at least we’re not having the same I’m a Liberal, You’re A Conservative Argument anymore.
Bored Prisoner 2: Oh no...we’re way beyond that at this point.
Bored Prisoner 3: It’s awesome that we’re all friends again.
Bored Prisoner 4: Goes into Secret Prison Services security room. It has a special battery.
Bored Prisoner 1: Wait….let’s delay this a bit. Have some fun. Don’t turn the power on again yet.
Bored Prisoner 2: Remember this doesn’t turn power back on to the Whole Prison. Just our Secret Security Room.
Brown Haired Brianna Who Sells Bananas 1: Yeah all of you should just wait to turn it back on.
Bored Prisoners are suddenly not bored anymore.
Man in his late 40s or Early 50s (Hiding in the Bushes): OMG there is a little boy outside the security room too!
Little Boy: Yeah no...I’m not really here! Aahhahha! You can’t see me!
A bunch of people freeze and start saying things about how that wasn’t in the script.
Suddenly a woman calls on the telephone with Sonoran Prevention Works.
Sonoran Prevention Works Woman 1: We are calling because there’s a child outside of the set about to get molested and this is A REAL SITUATION THAT IS NOT PART OF THE MOVIE.
Confused Actor 1: She always goes out of the script for attention.
Suddenly the Scene cuts to the outside of the film set. The Man in his Late 40s or Early 50s is anally raping a 4-year old boy.
All of the actors run outside the film set and are horrified.
Director: Just great and now we have A PROBLEM again.
Hollywood Security Guard 1: Listen mate, I’m not trying to be crass but this sort of thing happens a lot in Hollywood.
Director: Tell me about it.
Meanwhile back in Moscow...it becomes national news about 1 hour later. Russians are drinking Vodka and laughing at the Hollywood weirdos.
Stasi Agent 1: We don’t have this problem in East Germany either. We just take them out back and we FINISH THEM.
KGB Agent 1: I think that came out wrong.
Stasi Agent 1: You’re right...I MEANT FUCKING KILL THEM, KILL THEIR FAMILY AND KILL ALL THEIR ANIMA…
KGB Agent 1: Ok, well maybe not the animals.
Stasi Agent 1: Alright, Alright, you fucking bleeding heart.
KGB Agent 1: Hey we do things one way in Russia. You do things another way in East Germany. We get it. And it’s not a problem.
Stasi Agent 1: Ok, good.
Both agents together: You can’t stop us now!
Crazy amounts of laughter in Russian and German.
Meanwhile back in America. The situation is quickly turning into a national crisis. It is also turning into a North America crisis as literally even refugees are flooding the borders to come here and assassinate the child molester. People are arguing about who gets to actually do it.
Central America felt left out but that’s ok...they will be back in the sequel.
A voice of reason appears.
Voice of Reason: Ok, he must face trial so we can get the people who are forcing him to molest that child.
Really Smart Girl 1 appears.
Really Smart Girl 1: But what if he’s just like...some hick dude who wanders around molesting children because he’s fucked up and no one is making him do it?
Voice of Reason: Well that’s a good theor…
Celebrity Therapist 1 rudely enters and pushes everyone aside.
Celebrity Therapist 1: I think this man is just angry because he didn’t get cast in the movie. We need to cast him in the movie so he will stop molesting children.
FBI Agent 1: Oh god, here we go again....
Gunman in creepy motel nearby: That’s good...just a little to the left….get him to move a little to the left.
Suddenly the Child Molester recognizes the Gunman.
Child Molester 1: Oh FUUUUUUCKKKK it’s my Vietnam Drill Seargent.
Idiot Actor 1: No...no I know what it is he just got back from Vietnam, has PTSD and is hallucinating. He’s talking about Vietnam war stuff that isn’t even REAL.
Jason Lee: Interjecting...no dude there really is a gunman trying to kill him and that’s a good thing!
The child molester turns around, trips on himself and falls. Both his knees are broken. So are his arms. He can’t move.
Vietnam Hells Angel 1: Well I was hoping to kill him quickly, but all of you fucked it up. Guess we’ll just have to…
Vietnam Hells Angel 2: Your Knife-Gun, Sir.
Vietnam Hells Angel 1: And now it’s time for you to get fucked in a very uncomfortable place.
Child Molester 1: Starts screaming.
Vietnam Hells Angel 1 takes Knife-Gun and shoves it so far up Child Molester 1’s Ass that the Knife Comes out of His head.
The Police show up about 5 hours later…
Police Officer 1: Alright folks, nothing left to see here.
Police Officer 2: If you kind people could just direct us to the dead Child Molester.
Actor-in-the-know 1: Yeah no dude...your’e too late.
Police Officer 1: Come again, sir?
Actor-in-the know 2: The guy who killed him took his body.
Police Officer 3: Ummmm….took his body?
Director: Yeah he said he wanted to have it framed on his wall.
Trauma Therapist 1: Yeah he said it was the worst one he had personally killed himself. He said he wants to do like a Taxi-Dermy thing.
Police Officer 4: A taxi-dermy thing?
Trauma Therapist 2: Yeah you know….to put on his wall. Like when a hunter shoots a big elk or a big bear.
Police Officer 4: Bears are pretty scary, I will concede that.
Trauma Therapist 1: Exactly.
End Chapter 10