Chapter 2: From Russia with Intelligence
Opening Scene: Vladimir Silayev and his cohort arrive via helicopter in Washington D.C. The Soviet Orchestra is with them and plays a brief Soviet Orchestral interlude as they walk down the stairs from their cargo helicopter.
Vladimir Silayev: I am proud to accept this award on behalf of not just myself, but the Soviet Union and the International Statisticians of the World! I know I am young and likely will make mistakes but I can assure you that I take Statistics seriously and at the end of the day I will use my knowledge of statistics for humanitarian purposes. Furthermore, I am happy to announce that I have been authorized by both the governments of the United States of America and the Soviet Union to take a tour of a select few Academic Institutions that we feel have the best Statisticians. And we are not just looking at only the Ivy League Universities or even the top ranked Universities either!
American Press: Where will your first stop be? What about lower level schools like elementary, junior and high schools?
Vladimir Silayev: Excellent question. We will be looking anywhere and everywhere for the people who are best at statistics! Obviously, I am a child myself so I am biased in favor of other children!
American Press (and Bystanders): Roaring with laughter. That’s true, Vladimir...good point! But where do we begin? Do you have any suggestions?
Vladimir Silayev: I’m not sure yet, I have been too busy admiring your beautiful capital city to make a decision. I will need to confer with my team and get back to you.
American Press: We heard you have a party to attend tonight, is that true?
Vladimir Silayev (bored): Oh right, the party on my agenda for tonight. Will it be fun or mostly just boring?
American Press (laughing): In America all of our parties are fun! You will see! We will show you a good time! There are going to be celebrities all over the place! Not just academics and intellectuals either, but military heros and maybe even some random people who got bored like you and just showed up!
Vladimir Silayev: Oh ok good, that sounds interesting. I will be looking forward to this party tonight then.
American Press: We very warmly welcome you to the United States of America! If you need anything, please let us know!
Vladimir Silayev: I will.
Later that night, at the ‘Welcome to America Party’ hosted by a family member of one of the American Senators.
Family member 1 of Senator X: Welcome to America!
Family member 2 of Senator X: The United States of America is very excited to have you tour our country and we welcome your cooperation with us, as do our colleges and other academic institutions.
Family member 3 of Senator X: And hey if you get bored with all these academics, son just come talk to me!
Senator X (referring to Family member 3 and making a joke): Don’t listen to him...he just wants you to go to North Carolina and search for Blackbeard’s ship.
Vladimir Silayev: Actually, I am a fan of the Pirate Captain Blackbeard!
A hush falls over the crowd as some of their good cheer turns to fear and xenophobia.
Senator X: (Winks at Vladimir) Well you’re still pretty young, we can save that for the next time you return to the USA.
Suddenly the Camera focuses in on a very attractive, but quiet, girl sitting in the corner in the back of the room. The quiet girl is intently focused on Vladimir.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: (Looking at Vladimir and signalling to Vladimir in morse code). She mouths “Morse Cord” and then: “Tap...Tap….Tap Tap Tap”.
Vladimir Silayev: (Pauses). Politely nods head.
Random Party Attendee: And the party is just getting started! Slaps Vladimir’s shoulder.
Vladimir: So, what is the popular food in America right now anyways? And should I refer to your country as USA or America?
Everyone at the party: USA. But do not worry if you call it America, people refer to it as both sometimes.
Vladimir: Ahh, we have same confusion in Soviet Union. Is it Russia...is it Soviet Union? Who knows? Hahahaha.
Everyone at the party: Exactly.
Random attendee: Anyways, I believe our guest here was asking what is the most popular food here right now. That’s been the subject of some debate lately.
Vladimir: It has? In my country, there is no debate. Well there is some, but it depends on what region the debaters are in.
Random attendee: How very astute, it is the same here! It depends on what region the people are from and sometimes even the time of day you are asking.
Vladimir: Ahhh, I see. So, what region would Washington DC be referred to as?
Everyone at the party (all tries to answer at once) and their voices turn into a dull roar.
Senator X: Well technically, Washington DC is part of the south.
Vladimir: I thought as much.
Senator X: But it’s also a separate federal state that serves to administer the government.
Vladimir: Ahhh, so it’s very similar to Moscow.
Senator X: Ummmm, well….I don’t know if we want to go there at a party like this.
Vladimir: But we already are here, at the party!
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1 smiles in the background. Vladimir looks at her and then notices there are more girls here too. There is also Quiet and Attractive Girl 2 and Quiet And Attractive Girl 3. They all smile at Vladimir and nod their heads.
Random Attendee: Ok, I think there has been just a little misunderstanding. We are a Capitalist country, we are not like the Soviet Union.
Vladimir: Oh of course, I have already had this conversation with both Governments and we have agreed not to interfer in your Economic theories.
Senator X: This is wonderful, see everybody the boy is a genius!
Vladimir: Oh you are too kind. I am mostly just an intellectual though and even if I am a genius I am still young and life is a learning process.
Random Attendee: (Grabs piece of Pecan Pie) True, that.
Vladimir: Anyways, how about I go around the room and tell everyone what kind of food is not available in the Soviet Union and that can be my favorite food for now.
Random Attendee: Wonderful idea!
Vladimir: Good idea, yes but instead for now I think I just want some Mongolian Beef, Peppermint tea and some Pecan Pie later if I have room.
Senator X (smiling): I’m a huge fan of Asian food myself.
Vladimir: And what other foods are you a fan of?
Senator X: It depends on the day and what the other people in my family want.
Vladimir: Ahhh, I see. I like your answer.
Senator X: Vladimir, after dinner, our team will go to the private discussion room to strategize.
Vladimir: Sounds good to me.
Later that evening in the private discussion room...
Senator X: Ohhhhh right, the answer was actually obvious. I’ll be damned, I forgot you actually studied Applied Statistics.
Vladimir: Well I WANTED to study Medical Statistics instead but my parents and the Kremlin won’t let me do that yet.
Senator X. Interesting, tell me more son. What else won’t they let you study?
Vladimir: Well I don’t know if I’m at liberty to say, sir.
Senator X: I thought as much and that’s not a problem.
Senator X: (Motions to Quiet and Attractive Girl 1), this must remain secret for awhile, but this girl here has expressed a preference for Communism and says she wants to be on your team.
Vladimir: I agree and I understand.
Senator X: And can she join your team?
Vladimir: Sure, why not?
Senator X: Ok, Good.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: I’m really excited to be working with you sir. I hope you don’t mind but I recruited 2 other girls to be my assistants.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 2 and 3 (both chiming in together): You bet she did!
Quiet and Attractive Girl 3: Oh and I’m actually a Man. I hope that doesn’t bother you?
Vladimir: Not at all.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 3: Ok cool, it’s just that deep down I identify as a girl.
Vladimir: And sometimes I flirt with Capitalists, we’ve all got issues.
Senator X: This is going to be a good team! I’m proud of all of you.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: Anyways, back to the task at hand. Speaking of issues...right now the USA has a “problem” that is quickly turning into an International Security issue…
Vladimir: (Cutting her off and excited): Ahh and you need the help of the Russian Peo…
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: Well I don’t know if I would go so far as to use the word “help”...but anyways it’s an International Problem and right now the Global Political Community perceives us to be the two most powerful countries in the world.
Vladimir: Gotcha, boss.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: I’m glad you understand. So yeah, this problem...it is...multi-faceted and will require not just Statistics to solve. But I’m sure you already figured that out.
Vladimir (bored): Yeah, pretty much.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: Ok, so this problem...it involves an elementary school in Lima, Ohio and a Prison nearby. Now this Prison has a certain Male Prisoner...who (ahem) has a PROBLEM. And the Police can’t solve it and the community is upset...which is creating problems for everyone, really.
Vladimir: I think I know where you’re going with this.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: Ok good, so you will have no problem with going inside the…
Vladimir: He is in Cell Block Sector 9J.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: And how did you arrive at that conclusion?
Vladimir: I’m sorry but I cannot tell you. You are attempting to access a state secret of the Soviet Union.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: Gotcha, Boss Man.
Senator X is pacing back and forth with his hands behind his back, looking nervous.
Vladimir: Anyways our Intel suggests that is where he is located…
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: But there is no Sector 9J within that Prison…
Vladimir: Hmmm well how about give me a map, block the details you don’t want me to see and I’ll point to where I think he might be.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: (Looks at Senator X for approval).
Senator X: JUST DO WHAT VLADIMIR SAYS NOW!
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: Removes Redacted Map of Prison from inside her jacket pocket. Ok, go ahead and point to it.
Vladimir: (Pointing) We think it’s somewhere near there.
Quiet and Attractive Girl: That’s the unofficial “Prison” for Prisoners.
Vladimir: You mean Solitary?
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: No, it’s when Prisoners kidnap other Prisoners and hide them. It’s an area of the Prison that is an abandoned and sealed off medical facility. Officially the Prison reports them as missing and everyone just assumes they escaped.
Vladimir: And lemme guess there is a tunnel…
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: Correct. And we now have clearance to proceed with this covert mission. Your mission, should you choose to accept it will be named Operation Blackhawk.
Vladimir: You know I won’t let the people down!
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: I was afraid you would say that.
Vladimir: Did you think I would say no? I’m all MAN lady!
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1 (lowers voice to a whisper): No, you’re still a boy and calm down, please.
Vladimir: Oh right, right. We do need to exercise caution.
Quiet and Attractive Girl 1: Good, that’s better.
END OF CHAPTER 2