Chapter 4: It was actually something Worse
Scene begins with Senator X, Vladimir, Quiet and Attractive Girls 1, 2, 3 and Ohio Congressman X sitting at Ohio Congressman X’s favorite restaurant, a Pakistani restaurant in Downtown.
Vladimir: So Congressman, tell me about your Humanitarian work.
Congressman X: Thank you for asking...it seems like no one ever asks anymore.
At the table nearby Quiet and Attractive Girls 1, 2, 3 all quickly glance at each other
Vladimir: You’re welcome sir. It’s an honor to be in the USA and be able to talk as much as I want about statistics.
Congressman X: Come now, I’m sure there’s more you want to talk about than that...and after all...we wouldn’t want to bore anyone now would we?
Vladimir: Well, I suppose so.
Congressman X: Glad you agree. What’s your position on International Trade between the USA and the Soviet Union?
Vladimir: I don’t have one. I’m unfortunately not interested in discussing Economics. If you are looking for discussion on something other than statistics...I have recently become interested in Humanitarian work.
Congressman X: A famous rising star Soviet Intellectual is interested in Humanitarian work in the USA? Really? Has the Kremlin cleared this?
Vladimir: Well yeah, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.
Congressman X: And what pray tell is your Humanitarian work? (Looks at Vladimir Sternly)...And it had better not be to spread Communism here.
Vladimir: Of course not, I would never put the USA in that position.
Congressman X: Ok, good. I’m glad we’re on the same page. So your humanitarian work will consist of what exactly? Serving bread and soup to the homeless? Or did you have something else in mind?
Vladimir: Well I had something a little more complex than that in mind.
Congressman X: Oh wow, I’m impressed.
Vladimir: I would like to….no...actually I would love to use my statistical prowess to help the American Government to catch criminals.
Congressman X: I can’t tell you how excited this makes me!
Vladimir: Oh good.
Congressman X (laughing): How soon can you start?
Vladimir: I’ve actually already started.
Congressman X : Already started? You have initiative! I like that in a Ruskie!
Vladimir: (Scratching head in disgust): Actually if you would be so kind as to not call me that, that would be great.
Congressman X: Oh I’m sorry Comrade.
Vladimir: And don’t call me that either.
Congressman X: Well I guess we just won’t call you late for dinner!
Vladimir (smiling): Exactly.
Congressman X: Alrighty, well how should we begin doing that then. I have a statistics program loaded on my office comp…
Vladimir: Is there a Prison nearby here?
Congressman X: Well yeah, but I wouldn’t have the authority to allow you to come near there.
Vladimir: So you’re a Congressman and don’t have any authority?
Congressman X: Well not exactly...it’s just ummm...errrr
Vladimir: You’ll have to forgive me...I don’t understand how your country works just yet.
Congressman X: Well Vladimir...that’s just it...we’re not sure if we want you to understand it.
Vladimir: You are concerned that I might…
Congressman X: Free Prisoners?
Vladimir: Oh you need not worry about that Congressman.
Congressman X: Well that’s a huge reli....
Vladimir: Unless of course you were falsely imprisoning or detaining a Soviet Citizen...then I would be legally obligated to inform my superiors.
Congressman X: Of course, Of course. I can assure you that here in the USA, we respect the rule of law just as much as the Soviet Union does.
Vladimir: Glad we agree on that Congressman.
Congressman X: And look here son...no need to call me Congressman. I’m just an average Ohio person. Literally as ordinary as they come. Truly a man of the pe…
Vladimir: A man of what, sir?
Congressman X: All I’m trying to say is that I serve my constituents very well and make sure they are always satisfied.
Vladimir: Interesting. So anyways, you will take me to this prison soon, yes?
Congressman X: If that’s what you want...then hey I’m all for it.
Vladimir: It’s not what I want...it’s what WE want.