Chapter 5: Oh you meant Sex Trafficker not Child Molester
The Setting is an Elementary school in Defiance, Ohio. Vladimir, Congressman X, Random American 1 and Random Black American 1 are seated in chairs in a classroom.
Vladimir: So yeah I’m sorry to hear that happened to you Congressman.
Congressman X: Shhhhhhh. Keep your voice down. They could be listening…
Vladimir: Who could be listening?
Congressman X: WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK?!?!?
Vladimir: I’m not sure what you mean…
Random American 1 (interjecting): I’m going to drink a Sprite, you twat.
Congressman X: See???!?! He knows...they are already on to us.
Vladimir: AGAIN...WHO is they?
Congressman X: THE GODDAMN RUSSIANS THAT’S WHO!!!
Vladimir: Well Duh!
Random American 1: Ahhhahahahhahahahhahahhahaha. I can’t with the both of you...I just can’t.
Congressman X: You see Vladimir, he doesn’t want to help us.
Vladimir: Or maybe he’s helping us too much?
Random Black American 1: True that.
Vladimir: Ok, so anyways.
Everyone (sighs): Yes….ANYWAYS.
Vladimir: There is Prison near here...yes?
Everyone: Most likely, yes.
Congressman X: And I am under strict orders from the Senator…I mean the USA...not to...
Vladimir: Actually let’s not go there right now.
Everyone: Oh ok, cool well we all agree on that.
Random American 1: It’s not that we don’t trust you…
Random Black American 1: It’s just that well...our entire country doesn’t trust you.
Vladimir: Tell me something I don’t know.
Random Black American 1: Ahhh, something you don’t know ok….
In the background a Black Communist appears out of thin air and is hiding in a hidden chamber nearby and tapping on the wall.
Vladimir: (Looking around)...I smell American Sauted Potatoes and Ketchup.
Random Black American 1: Interesting I think I can smell that too.
Everyone else: Well I don’t think I smell anyth….
Sound coming from hidden chamber...tap...tap...tap tap tap.
Vladimir: Is there an Apple II Computer that is free right now?
Random Black American 1: Oh sure, you can use mine. Lemme just try to find the key to my office. I think it’s in my backpack…
Random American 1: Oh ummm I think it’s actually in my back pocket.
Random Black American 1: Goddamnit White bo…
Everyone: Let’s not go there again…
Vladimir: Anyways….will someone give me that key now? You will give me key, yes?
Everyone else: I guess we might as well at this point.
Random Black American 1: Ok, here you go, sir.
Vladimir: Ok...but I thought...the other American had it.
Random Black American 1: Oh no, that’s just a key to his girlfriend’s house. The real key is with me.
Random American 1: I knew he would go there….
Vladimir: ANYWAYS. I hope you Americans…
Everyone else: Oh we’re done playing...we’re done.
Random Black American 1: Ok here’s the key and I’ll walk you to the computer
Vladimir (bored): Ok.
Random American 1: I tried to program it better for you Vladimir...but there was no time I swear….
Vladimir (voice trailing as he walks off): Good job comrade…
Random Black American 1: Inserts key in door. Door rotates, swivels to the side and opens. A light slowly turns on….after 5 seconds the stairway is illuminated.
Vladimir: Is this the Illiuminau?
Random Black American 1: Si, senor.
Vladimir: Loyal to Venezuela?
Random Black American 1: Si, y Haiti.
Vladimir: Gracias, comrade.
Random Black American 1: I think we both know what you need to do from here.
Vladimir (Pauses, looks up at him and continues down the stairs): Apple II….how pathetic.
Vladimir continues down the stairs. He wanders around in the basement of the school for about 20 minutes. Before bumping into a red sign in Japanese. Vladimir flicks on a light nearby. A message illuminates on the wall in Russian and it says: True believer, we are extremely sorry for our colonialism in Siberia and Korea. Our government will not let us apologize at this moment. However, in our stead please accept this ultimate computer power to save both the USA and the SOVIET UNION from international humiliation. At this moment in time, you are the warrior who can destroy so many international sex traffickers at once. All of the world is rooting for you. Do not give up, Do not lose hope….and when all hope fails use faith. If you do not have faith, just use blind reckoning.
Vladimir (bored): Well yeah, I already knew that. Lemme guess...your videogame is called DRAGONQUEST?
VOICE NEARBY: Goddammmnit. My mates that good. How did he know I was actually a British Communist?
Vladimir: We won’t go there...again.
British Communist: Riiiiiiight.
Vladimir: Alright, alright. Maybe let’s wax intellectual… a little….
British Communist: We already engaged in foreplay earlier Vladimir.
Vladimir: Foreplay for me is Advanced Calculus.
British Communist: I’m not really into that. I’m more into Statisitcs.
Vladimir: Well yeah, we covered that back in the 70s.
British Communist: Or uncovered it, as it were.
Vladimir: On behalf of the Soviet Union, please accept our apology for not approving your scholarship in Medical Statistics.
British Communist: That’s better, mate.
Vladimir: Ok, just 1 more question before we proceed...is the Queen of England speaking for you?
British Communist: You’re hilarious. God Save the Queen, mate.
Vladimir (motions British Communist aside and sits down at Computer): Ok, let’s see this videogame.
British Communist: Inserts floppy disk. All yours, mate.
Vladimir: Hits enter key. A message on the screen pops up. “You are standing in a Green field and Sir Gawain the Green Knight is challenging you”.
Vladimir (types in “So what?”): A voice comes out from the Computer. This is Mr. Cho. We cannot release this Japanese video game to the USA and the Soviet Union yet because both of your countries have refused to apologize to North and South Korea yet and the Korean people by Democratic Vote at the Koryo have determined that this is a banned….a ban game in both USA and Soviet Union and both Koreas.
Vladimir: I figured as much.
Mr. Cho: It makes sense. Am I right?
Vladimir: But at the end of the day it’s just a videogame and this is an international diplomatic mission.
Mr. Cho: True, that.
Vladimir: ANYWAYS WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHICH AMERICAN SEX TRAFFICKER I CAN DESTROY??!?!
Mr. Cho: Bahhahahhaah. Vladimir, this is why we love you so much.
Vladimir: Ok, good. Sometimes we wonder…
Mr. Cho: Yeah we know. Everyone always says that. We’re actually mostly just a bunch of boring Communist purists.
Mr. Cho: Anyways…
Vladimir: So ummm...come here a lot?
Mr. Cho: Not really. The USA is kind of lame.
Random Black American 1 chimes in from up above: Remember to stick to the task at hand.
Vladimir: Ok so yeah. Ohhh wait. Yeah that’s right we need to access the source code for this video game. And figure out who…
Mr. Cho: Who programmed, it yes. Initiate 1974 sequence.
Out of nowhere, a Danish voice chimes in. WELKOMMEN TO WIDEO.
Suddenly a Random 9 year old girl from Michigan breaks through the Stone Wall and Then She runs naked through the basement.
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING AGAIN.
Vladimir: Exactly. So, you are my assistant yes?
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: Yeah I am that pissed off at Ohio.
Vladimir: Yeah, me too.
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: You wouldn’t happen to have a Women’s NATO size 6 set of clothes would you?
Vladimir: No, but I have a Soviet Uniform with better technology than that.
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: I guess that works, yeah.
Vladimir: Of course it works you l…
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: Excuse me? I am hot and naked and too young for you and you will do what I want.
Vladimir (bored): Someone in the Soviet Union obviously trained you.
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: No, the truth is actually much more disturbing. But we don’t have time for that now.
Vladimir: Gotcha, boss.
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan (motions to object in corner): Grab that.
Vladimir: Looks closer at the object. It is a walkie talkie.
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan (motions to object in corner): That actually controls the Ohio Emergency Management System.
Vladimir: For the whole state?
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: Yeah the whole state.
Vladimir (smiling): Excellente, comrade.
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: Now type in “Porque” into the phone using the alpha-numeric characters.
Vladimir: Types in Porque as instructed. (When the girl has her back turned, he then types in 001 and then 100).
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: Perfect, Wladimir.
Vladimir: The East Germans warned me about you…
Random 9 year old girl from Michigan: Whatever.
Vladimir: Just open the door and take me to him.
End Chapter 5