Chapter 9: Their intentions were good
The Scene begins with a young child who is the assistant to a famous Hollywood Producer saying: Excuse me, sir…
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant: Excuse me sir, where do you think you are going with that Script?
Robert Englund: I can get at least $100,000 for this in VEGAS, BABY!
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant: But Sir, we’re not quite there yet…
Robert Englund: Where? In the movie or in real life?
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant: IN THE MOVIE. We’re not to that scene yet…
Robert Englund: Don’t lie to me...there is no VEGAS scene in this movie is there?
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant (Let’s out a sigh): I told the producers you would figure this out anyways but they wouldn’t listen to me.
Robert Englund: SOMETIMES THAT’S THE PROBLEM WITH PRODUCERS....(CUE FREDDY VOICE AND OUTFIT)...THEY DON’T LISTEN!
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant: Anyways...what’s new with you?
Robert Englund: Well I’ve been doing a lot of charitable work, getting back in shape...eating healthy. Traveling. I don’t know...just lots of random stuff that famous actors do. How about you? What’s new with you?
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant: Nothing much. Anyways, I will need that script back from you now.
Robert Englund: Well alright, then Hands script back to Assistant).
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant takes off her jacket and is wearing a CAT MEME tshirt. The CAT MEME SHIRT has that internet famous meme GIF on the front. The GIF is the “That’s what I fucking thought Margaret” cat meme:
Robert Englund: Ahhhhhh...the Milk Carton Murders!
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant: Oh nooooooo…...FUCK…..how did he??!!? YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT….(She starts running).
Robert Englund (Starts chasing her): We know now! We know!!!
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant (Suddenly turns around): Oh really is that so?
Robert Englund: Wha….wha wha?!?!
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant (Suddenly turns around): I am wearing your boxers!!!
Robert Englund: Hey now….
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant (Suddenly turns around): I can get at least $100,000 for these in Hollywood!
Robert Englund: We’re a LONG WAY FROM HOLLYWOOD…
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant: You can’t use that word anymore! It’s offensive to women!
Robert Englund: BITCH.
Famous Hollywood Producer Assistant: To be fair, I don’t think anyone would deny I am one.
Robert Englund: Yeah, yeah we know. Anyways…
Meanwhile in Colorado...at the SNOWCATS CONVENTION
Margaret: And this is my sweet daughter the White Pirate!
Cat Convention Judges: Why did you name your cat White Pirate?
Margaret: It’s a feminist thing. You wouldn’t understand.
All of the judges suddenly become nervous. One is sweating and they are wiping their forehead with an icepack.
Nervous Judge: Well none of the judges are against feminisim…
Margaret: Oh sure, that’s what all of the men before you who were misogynists said too.
Nervous Judge: But again, none of us here are misogynists.
Female Judge: If I could just interject here real quick.
Margaret: Yes? Meow?
Female Judge: I’m actually a misogynist.
Margaret: WTF?!?!? HOW DARE YOU! YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BITCH! NO ONE LIKES YOU! YOU LOOK LIKE A WHORE!!!! SO, YOU HATE YOURSELF?
Female Judge: No, I love myself. I just hate other women.
Male Judge: It’s true...she does…
Female Judge: Let me finish, dude.
Female Judge: If you would allow me some time to school everyone about what Feminism and Cats is really about…
Audience: We’ve already had this discussion before….
Female Judge (ignoring audience): I’LL SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!
Female Judge (continuing): Feminism is NOT ABOUT HATING MEN!
Pirates and Hells Angel Dudes in the back: It’s NOT about that?!?!?!
Female Judge: No it is not! It is about treating everyone as a human being! First off, the sexual exploitation of everyone must stop! And the sexual exploitation of animals must stop too!
A hush falls on the crowd. There is deafening silence…
Margeret: All of my capitalist friends were right about you!!!!
Female Judge: No one has mentioned capitalism except you!
White Pirate Cat starts to frolic back and forth on the ground and excitedly swishes it’s tail. It starts looking at Margaret and meowing.
Margaret: Excuse me but my daughter is hungry.
Female Judge: If you leave me now, you will have to drop out of the contest.
Margaret: Might as well...I don’t want your goddamn reward anyways.
Margaret grabs the White Pirate Cat and they go eat lunch together. Then they drive to the airport and fly to Los Angeles...to become celebrities.
Chapter 9 Ends